What I learned about Birth From my Mother

Growing up in the 1980’s in midwestern America, young girls like me would not be thinking very much about childbirth beyond one dimensional medicalised depictions on TV, and myself being a sheltered home schooled kid, my exposure to modern birth culture was pretty limited.

Married women disappeared off to the hospital and returned with a baby who slept in its own giant crib and drank bottles of formula. I don’t think I ever saw a mother breastfeed her baby.

I would have been around seven years old when my mother placed the corded telephone receiver in its cradle on the wall and exclaimed “Laura just had a HOME BIRTH!!” She was emotional, but also clearly elated. Having a baby at home? You can do that? That happens? were the thoughts I remember thinking.

My mother continued on, “It sounded absolutely wonderful! She was taken care of by midwives!” I had never heard of a midwife, but when she said “midwives”, images of robed women with head coverings came to mind, like something from a bible story maybe? A long forgotten memory of what is one of the oldest professions in the world.

I could hear the wonder and awe in my mother’s voice as she carried on wistfully recalling how they “gave her an herbal bath afterwards!” I had never heard of an herbal bath but it sounded….soothing? The last thing I remember her saying was “It makes me want to have another baby just to experience that!”

So at the young age of seven, I learned that birth could be wonderful, as well as an opportunity to be deeply nurtured and cared for, and most profoundly for that time period, that it could happen at home. The emotions in my mother’s expressive words told me that for her, that was not how birth had been, but upon hearing how birth could be, she was inspired.

I often wonder what would have happened in my mind if my mother had slammed the phone down, full of anger, disapproval, having allowed herself to be deeply triggered by another women’s positive experience. What if she had said “Laura just had a home birth, and I can’t believe she would do something so risky! She could have died! The baby could have died! She had MIDWIVES there!! no doctors, just midwives!!” or worse “If I had done that with you, we wouldn’t be here!!!”

A few years on, I was around 12 years old. My brother’s girlfriend was in labour. My mother and I drove an hour to the hospital early in the morning just to sit in the waiting room (something more common in an American hospital setting). At one point I remember my mother saying “she is about to have her epidural”. Just the way my mother said the word “epidural”, made me tense up. It sounded scary. I did not fully understand what it was. My mother sounded disapproving. She could be like that. A little judgemental.

A few years later my sister had her first baby and my mother made a point of telling me how my sister had “worked out and exercised throughout her pregnancy, and it had resulted in a quick and easy birth for her” I have no idea how true that was, but it did stick with me, when I compared it to the long and tense day we had spent waiting for my brother’s baby to come.

My mother occasionally spoke about her birth experiences. I remember her telling me her first baby had been born using forceps and she described that experience as horrific. I was her fourth baby and she told me that I was apparently a whole entire month overdue! (This was before ultrasounds and dating scans). She also introduced me to the doctor who “delivered me”. We were at the hospital visiting my grandmother and we ran into him in a stairwell. My mother unashamedly physically stopped him and said “April! this is the doctor who delivered you!” He was polite and shook my hand. I remember feeling a little bit in awe, but also a little bit embarrassed. My mother later remarked to my dad that “Dr ____ looks great! he must have stopped drinking, I mean I swear he was drunk when April was born”

How did these passing comments make an impression on me?

What was the cumulative effect?

What ideas took root and grew?

My mother certainly was not the only influence. However I do believe that the seeds she planted during my formative years were significant. They prepared the soil in which many of my other beliefs and hopes and dreams around birth grew.

When the time arrived for me to start seriously giving the matter attention ands some thought, there was a good foundation there.

Home Birth was something women could have

Epidurals sounded uncomfortable and a little scary

Exercise is good for pregnancy and birth

Midwives existed and sounded lovely

NONE of these impressions were absolute truths, of course not. But they certainly shaped my own thoughts when it came to exploring my own birth experience.

This is why I love to go back to the very beginning when I work with women to prepare for birth.

”Tell me the first thing you remember hearing about birth” I ask.

I love hearing the stories.

This is where the best birth preparation starts.

Because most of us have had seeds of fear and trauma planted in us, long before it was our turn to have our own experience.

Shining a light on these deeply rooted ideas can shift the course of our birth experience, much more than

mastering a technique

subscribing to an ideology

understanding birth physiology

having a degree or years of experience as a midwife

This is why I believe in the effectiveness of one to one birth preparation over learning about birth or birth techniques or methods in a traditional “class” environment.